Wednesday, July 20, 2016

14 weeks

how far along? 14 weeks with 3 little gifts.

maternity clothes? oh yes, especially in the pants department. loose dresses are a favorite. waist bands are not my friend.
quality of sleep: when not interrupted by bathroom breaks, very good. dreams are vivid and can be quite strange, however, which can leave me feeling a little disconcerted when I wake.
best moment this week: going public! such a relief to have this (huge) secret out in the open. the love and support have been amazing.
gender: too soon to tell, but we are eagerly awaiting this discovery.
movement: can't wait. 3 active babes - what will that even feel like?
food cravings/aversions: my PB&J obsession from the first trimester is long gone. still gulping down gallons of apple juice. cereal is always sure to please. and I can't get enough red meat. oh, and yesterday after work I snacked on alternating bites of dill pickle and peach slices, ha!
how’s mama? energy is up, praise the Lord. nausea and vomiting took a few days off, but I am back to my routine morning throw up. 
what i am looking forward to: finding out gender. moving back to Michigan to share this joyous burden with our families.
fruit/veggie comparison: I have 3 little lemons in there.

weight gain/loss: working hard on gaining! not an easy task with the regular vomiting + food aversions + the belly that already feels filled to the brim.
 

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

three heartbeats

our journey to triplets was not an easy one, which is fitting seeing as how not-easy life with triplets is bound to be (pregnancy already is the opposite of easy).

it was almost 2 years ago that I told my rheumatologist, the beloved Dr. J, that I wanted to be a mom. after a series of instructions on what meds to stop, what meds to wean, and when I'd be in the "safe zone," the process had officially begun. I thought those 3 months while waiting for my body to rid myself of the toxic meds were long, but I had no idea what laid ahead.

month after month of negative pregnancy tests with no apparent reason until a joyous day last September when I finally saw two lines on that dang stick. FINALLY. it was an early morning pee, so poor John got woken up my a giddy wife at 6:30 in the morning while on vacation in Michigan. I believe his exact words were "Shit just got real" and I think that means he was excited. FINALLY. the weeks ticked by as we prepared for our move to North Carolina and kept this happy secret close to our hearts. we prepared to tell our friends and family the news right before moving so we could do it in person, albeit a little early. FINALLY.

then came the pink streak on the toilet paper in late October. I think I knew immediately. a trip to the emergency department and an ultrasound at 9 weeks 2 days showed a 6 week old babe with no heart beat.

no one tells you how incredibly painful miscarrying is. seemingly never ending waves of pain that caused me to yell out "I just need a break, God, please!" as I lie sweating and screaming on my parents' living room floor. as my sister said, all of the labor pains and none of the resulting joy. what a cruel joke. what a sickening pain. what a life-altering blow.

on a walk around my parents' neighborhood a well-meaning neighbor told me not to "do anything stupid." evidently I looked like I was about to off myself.

in late November we suffered another loss, that of my sweet and special niece. another life-altering blow. the story of Ellie is not mine to tell, but I will say that she changed all who knew her. the absence of her still leaves me feeling gutted.

in early April we suffered yet another loss, that of my larger than life dad. the glue that held our family together. the hits just kept on coming. seemingly never ending waves of pain that once again caused me to yell out "I just need a break, God, please!"

my dad was the best grandpa. my siblings could regale you with hours of stories of how my dad stepped up to the plate, lightened the mood, provided words of wisdom, and did it all in the name and love of Jesus. one of the most heartbreaking realizations I had in the hours following his death was that he would never meet my children and that they would never meet him. what a horrible loss. he was the best grandpa and the best father.

and then, still in a heavy haze of grief, the two lines showed up on the dang stick again. and then on another stick. and then a stick that clearly said 'Pregnant' on a little digital screen for good measure. this time there was no secret to keep. I called my mom, my sister, and my brother immediately and told them the news. if we lost this baby too, I wanted them with me every step of the way this time.

a call to my doc resulted in a 6 week ultrasound. what were we going to see? what does a fetal heat beat even look like? we hadn't made it this far last time; this was uncharted territory, and I was an unhealthy mix of excited and terrified.

so that's what a 6 week old baby looks like! that's what a heart beat looks! I must be a quick learner because even through my tears of joy I spotted baby #2 pretty quickly. I shot a look at John and asked "Do you see that? That's your fault, you know" (twins run in his family). OK, we're having twins! this is happening!

the ultrasound tech said something about taking a look at my ovaries and suddenly I wished I wasn't such a quick learner. and that's when shit actually got real. baby #3. [insert legs shaking uncontrollably, John turning white as a sheet, ultrasound techs rushing a garbage can to said pale husband, and probably a string of expletives because that's how I usually roll but honestly don't remember much of what followed.] three heartbeats.

another ultrasound tech to confirm, my doc to re-confirm, and there we are. parents of triplets. the subtitle of our pregnancy announcement is definitely: Be careful what you wish for.