new york

one of my favorite things about my husband is his love of travel.  two years ago, right after we got married, he proposed a trip to New York City with our friend, Micah, to see the US Open.  of course I said yes and I was hooked from my first glimpse of Grand Central Station.  two years later we made a repeat visit and we're still trying to recover from our "New York hangover."  a wonderful, fast-paced, whirlwind time was had by all!

this trip was extremely emotional for me.  I was not suffering from rheumatoid arthritis on our last visit, and the miles and miles of walking didn't phase me in the least.  this time was different.  by the second day, my knees, ankles, and feet had swollen up larger than I have ever experienced.  I struggled to get my shoes on and could make a sizable indent in my knee when I poked it (yuck).  also, cankles.  it was so shocking and disheartening to have this visible reminder of my failing body.  I felt betrayed, angry, and deeply saddened.  I wanted to enjoy the trip and New York City in all its glory, so I put on a happy face, popped Tylenol regularly, and slept with my feet elevated.  but in the moments by myself, I broke down.  tears while waiting in the subway, in the shower, drinking coffee alone in the mornings.  negative thoughts plaguing me and only being reinforced by my jumbo joints.

is this my future?  am I forever to be limited and broken down by this blasted disease?  am I always going to be the weak link in the posse, asking to sit down for a minute and bee-lining it for the elevator instead of walking up the stairs?  

a pity party is very tempting, but not the healthiest option, I know.  this body-breaking trip convinced me that I need to find an RA support group.  I would love to get together with some RA comrades and talk about the ups, the downs, the meds, the tears.  but alas, small town Billings, Montana has no such thing.  can I get a "what the heck?"  still fuming a bit after finding this out.  just because you're teeny tiny doesn't mean you can get away with denying resources to your citizens.  come on, Billings!  maybe when I cool down a bit I can focus my energy on starting one myself.  until then, I'm just going to be angry.

that's all for now.  next post will be much more positive, I promise.

exhaustion

one of the most crippling things about rheumatoid arthritis is actually not the pain and stiffness; it's the extreme fatigue.  it hits me throughout the day, but most consistently in the evening.  I have napped more since diagnosis than in my entire life prior to.  I can't sit down on the couch at the end of the day without nodding off, sometimes for more than an hour.  now I like a nap as much as the next guy, but it's starting to get annoying.  my muscles ache to lie down, my eye lids are constantly heavy, and I feel utterly useless.  and the nap does not clear these symptoms, but makes them worse.  I wake up feeling groggy and even more useless.  I'm exhausted.  this is a side effect of the medication, namely the Methotrexate, but it is also simply a symptom of rheumatoid arthritis.  it comes with the territory and it's going to be lifelong, just like my disease.

the more I think about this exhaustion, the more my mind is brought away from my arthritis and to other areas of my life.  the truth is, there are far more exhausting things weighing on my mind from day to day.  this fallen world provides many opportunities for pain, grief, sadness, hardships, brokenness... it's just plain exhausting.

back to the arthritis for a second.  yes, my body is physically exhausted, but the mental and emotional exhaustion trumps that.  the what-ifs, the frustration with the changes in my abilities and appearance, the different treatments and medication trials, the grief of things lost.  I'm exhausted.

but there's more, of course.  my family is hurting so deeply, my friends struggle with various trials, dreams go unrealized, plans and promises are broken, and I'm haunted by sin that seems more pervasive by the day.  I'm exhausted.  we're all exhausted.

but there is rest for the weary.  there are promises to cling to!

Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. 

Isaiah 40:30-31

For I will satisfy the weary soul, and every languishing soul I will replenish.

Jeremiah 31:25

O God, you are my God; earnestly I see you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.  So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory.  Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.  So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands.

Psalm 63:1-4

in times of weariness, I will turn my eyes to the Lord and receive His promised strength, replenishment, and love.