babies

I have never been one to dream about having kids or even feel particularly drawn to being around them.  many of you know, I'm an old person kind of person.  I have always felt drawn to being around the elderly and have geared my life and my career in that direction - the opposite end of the spectrum, some may say.  being pregnant has never been something I've looked forward to or even given much thought to.  raising a family has always been a vague thing that I know may happen in the future, but by no means has ever been a priority.  pretty much the only thing that John and I disagreed on while dating was the fact that he wanted five kids and I wanted zero.  in the spirit of compromise, I remember saying something like I'd be ok with two or three.  maybe.

but a funny thing happens when someone tells you that you probably "can't" do something.  most people get a fire in their belly and a resolve to prove that someone wrong.  I can't say that's exactly what happened with me, but having Dr. J tell me about the difficulties, even the impossibilities, surrounding pregnancy and child rearing when you have rheumatoid arthritis made me reflect, search, think, and pray. a lot.

pregnancy with RA is something you have to plan for, calculate, discuss extensively with your doctor, and is essentially void of all mushy love excitement and romance.  instead of just John  and me deciding we'd like to have children, it'll be John, me, and Dr. J.  how romantic.  I'll probably recite some poetry and light some candles.  maybe even bring some chocolates in a box shaped like a heart.

you see, the medications I'm taking are nothing to be messed with.  they're potent and they are toxic.  those are good things when you're trying to battle an autoimmune disease, but not so good when you're trying to grow a tiny human being inside of you.  these meds will either deform or abort any little guy or gal that tries to take up residence in my uterus.  these meds also take a year to completely leave my system.  that means we need to tell Dr. J a year or more before we try conceiving and then wait another year for my system to be hospitable to a baby.  or, if I get pregnant before having this well-calculated conversation, I rush to the hospital to be pumped full of another medication that will flush my system of the toxic medications.  I'm thinking of including that cute little story in the baby book.  maybe even include some snap shots of my panicked face or the IV stuck in my arm.  ah, memories.

and then there's the inflammation.  even on my current medication regime, I still have flare ups.  take away those meds and I may go back to square one.  if I can't even comb my own hair, how am I supposed to lug around a belly with a baby in it?  my knees are pissed at me already.  and then, how am I supposed to get up in the middle of the night to care for a crying baby?  will I be able to hold my little darling while I feed him or her?  will my fingers be able to manage securing a diaper?

so, while I may never have dreamed about having kids and I don't even volunteer in the church nursery or know how to talk to my friends' toddlers, I do want to have a family with John and I do want to experience the miracle of pregnancy and giving birth.  the female body is badass, and I want to be a part of that.

just another reason to praise and thank our sovereign and gracious God.  He knows what the future holds, how many children are in it, and exactly how this whole process is going to go.  hallelujah! because I'm sick of worrying about it.

ps: and yes, we are open to adoption.  we'll let God make the call on that as well.

Sjogren's syndrome

Praise the Lord, my emotional well-being is back on track and I've regained my positive outlook.  I really fell into a slump after experiencing so much pain, swelling, and overall scary symptoms in New York.  But God has been oh so gracious, blessing me with support, encouragement, and reminders of His faithfulness and sovereignty all over the place.  I am one thankful gal!  He is with me through all things and gives me amazing folks to lean on, confide in, and just laugh with because it hurts (here's looking at you, Jennie).

Moving on.

One of my latest concerns is a little autoimmune disease called Sjogren's syndrome.  It's actually not little at all, but instead extremely annoying.  At least it's annoying and not crippling like the RA.  Anyways, Sjogren's syndrome is an autoimmune disorder that impacts moisture-producing glands, such as the eyes, nose, and mouth.  Many people with RA also experiencing Sjogren's.  As if we didn't have enough to worry about.

A few weeks ago I was walking through the halls of the local senior independent living community where I work, and it felt like I was walking through a wind tunnel.  To my face, at least.  My eyes were extremely dry and sensitive, the Sahara desert relocated to the inside of my nose, and my mouth felt like I hadn't had a sip of water in a year.  Allergies, I thought?  Seriously, denial and an everything-but attitude when it comes to autoimmune disorders is the way to go.  Wink, wink.  Then I remembered the pamphlet Dr. J gave me on this silly sounding disorder.  I flipped through it, did some online research, and then called Dr. J's nurse.  She gave me the deets, told me they'd add some Sjogren's panels to the blood work I have scheduled for later this month, and then sent me another pamphlet.  Education, people.

The fact of the matter is that Sjogren's can't be cured, like RA, and the only thing to do is manage symptoms.  You can go the prescription route and get fancy (and expensive) lubricants (that word is gross), or you can just go to the CVS down the street and grab some dry mouth tooothpaste and mouth wash and all the saline spray and eye drops you can find and start a continual flow into your face.  I chose the latter.

In addition to the uncomfortable nature of Sjogren's, it kind of makes me look like a crazy person.  I have to squint when I walk because of the wind tunnel feeling, and the redness from the dryness makes it look like I've either been crying or am allergic to everything.  I also blink a lot.

Now you're all caught up on the health soap opera that is my life.
Thanks, once again, for the support and encouragement and thoughtful questions!

PS: Venus Williams also has Sjogren's syndrome, so we're as good as best friends now.  I'm sure I'll start getting invitations to play tennis with her any day now.

I have said these things to you, that in Me you may have peace.  In the world you will have tribulation.  But take heart; I have overcome the world.

John 16:33

exhaustion

one of the most crippling things about rheumatoid arthritis is actually not the pain and stiffness; it's the extreme fatigue.  it hits me throughout the day, but most consistently in the evening.  I have napped more since diagnosis than in my entire life prior to.  I can't sit down on the couch at the end of the day without nodding off, sometimes for more than an hour.  now I like a nap as much as the next guy, but it's starting to get annoying.  my muscles ache to lie down, my eye lids are constantly heavy, and I feel utterly useless.  and the nap does not clear these symptoms, but makes them worse.  I wake up feeling groggy and even more useless.  I'm exhausted.  this is a side effect of the medication, namely the Methotrexate, but it is also simply a symptom of rheumatoid arthritis.  it comes with the territory and it's going to be lifelong, just like my disease.

the more I think about this exhaustion, the more my mind is brought away from my arthritis and to other areas of my life.  the truth is, there are far more exhausting things weighing on my mind from day to day.  this fallen world provides many opportunities for pain, grief, sadness, hardships, brokenness... it's just plain exhausting.

back to the arthritis for a second.  yes, my body is physically exhausted, but the mental and emotional exhaustion trumps that.  the what-ifs, the frustration with the changes in my abilities and appearance, the different treatments and medication trials, the grief of things lost.  I'm exhausted.

but there's more, of course.  my family is hurting so deeply, my friends struggle with various trials, dreams go unrealized, plans and promises are broken, and I'm haunted by sin that seems more pervasive by the day.  I'm exhausted.  we're all exhausted.

but there is rest for the weary.  there are promises to cling to!

Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. 

Isaiah 40:30-31

For I will satisfy the weary soul, and every languishing soul I will replenish.

Jeremiah 31:25

O God, you are my God; earnestly I see you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.  So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory.  Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.  So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands.

Psalm 63:1-4

in times of weariness, I will turn my eyes to the Lord and receive His promised strength, replenishment, and love. 

paleo fail

the paleo journey lasted one whole day.  and I even cheated by having my regular oatmeal breakfast.  maybe I'm not strong enough or dedicated enough, but whatever it is, I just couldn't hack it.  I'm not the paleo diet type.  so on to the next thing.  or maybe just back to trying to eat healthy and manage the best I can.  hats off to all you radical diet types!  respect.

in other news, I started by internship with a local hospice agency.  one week in and I am already loving it.  I admire my supervisor and her offbeat ways.  she's pretty quirky and definitely disorganized, but her care for her clients and her respect for each of them in their particular situation is something to respect.  and that's what it's all about, right?  reaching people.  she reaches people.

I know this internship is going to stretch me in ways I'm not prepared for.  I know I'm going to learn some really important things about being a social worker.  my prayer is that God will start equipping me even now for the responsibilities I will be given and the things I will be asked to do.  I want to reach people too.

I'll leave with the verse of the day from by Bible app.  such sweet, astounding, life-shaping truth for the day, for always:
He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness.  By his wounds you have been healed. || I Peter 2:24

grumbling

read a devotional this morning on the Desiring God blog about sins that are common temptations to humans.  the devotional reflected on 1 Corinthians 10:13 which reads, "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."  the particular tempting sins that are being referred to in this passage are grumbling and sexual immorality.  God knows I love to grumble.  I grumble about being tired, my health, homework, money, to-do lists, living so far from my family, the hot weather... the list goes on and on.  

it is certainly tempting to me to grumble and complain!  this particular sin shows my false assumption that this world is my little kingdom and everything should go my way.  it's all about me and mine.  what I want, what I think should happen, what I deserve.  but the reality is that this world belongs to my God.  and thank Him for that.  He is in control and He is sovereign and He is faithful.  how quickly I forget

with each temptation is a promise.  if you turn to God's Holy Word, you will read loads of amazing and jaw-dropping promises.  for example, when I am tempted to grumble and complain, I must remember these promises: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6).  "And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:19).

when all I want to do is grumble, my focus and attention is on me, not on the almighty God who cares for me and promises to direct my paths and supply my every need.  He is truly an amazing Father.

storm clouds

a majestic display of God's power and might last night