sometimes I just don't feel like it

my latest battle has been with exercise.  well, it's been going on for a while, if I'm going to be honest.  I used to be quite the gym rat and run 15+ miles a week.  then my feet started hurting, which was blamed on bunions, and then the dreaded diagnosis, and then all the meds, and then the fatigue, and then the crankiness and general displeasure with having joints that are purple and double their normal size... oh the excuses and blows to my ego and sense of well being are too many to list.  it goes without saying, I can throw myself quite the pity party.  I'd send invitations, but I'm too tired and cranky.

anyways, I've gained the weight and the bad attitude that everyone warns can come with an RA diagnosis.  there are days where I'm motivated to beat the 'tude and days when I just stare at my gym clothes from my comfy perch on the couch.  I have an internal dialogue about 'to work out or not to work out' about a thousand times a day.  it's anybody's guess who will win the argument.

it's easy to say "I have RA, I can't work out," but it's harder to admit that "I have RA and it pisses me off and I'm going to use it as an excuse to be lazy."  but that's the honest truth sometimes and here I am, owning it.

I need a new outlook, a new mantra, a new motivation.  health.  it's my health, not my jean size, that matters.  I may be hurting, but I'm also given hours and sometimes entire days where I'm feeling pretty normal.  I need to seize those pain-free opportunities and choose happiness and health over pity and potato chips.

but sometimes I just don't feel like it.  working on it, though.

let the games begin.

after being told that even my skin is being effected by my RA, I've been thinking a lot about the medications I'm on, their pros, their cons, and what my future holds as far as treatment goes.  at the same time, my sister started experiencing inflammation, stiffness, and pain in her joints.  she hasn't been diagnosed with anything, but when your body starts betraying you, the first thing on your mind is how to make it stop.  and so, my sister and I have started thinking about the paleo diet.  yikes!  it's definitely not the most extreme diet out there, but it does involve cutting out things that I really enjoy (bread!).

I've never been very good at limiting myself or putting restrictions on myself.  except for the dedication I put into training for a 25k race a year ago, I've really just let myself go with the flow as far as diet and exercise goes.  everything in moderation; some days better than others.  but then RA happened and I started gaining weight, looking poofy, struggling to get in and out of a car, not lasting more than 20 minutes on the elliptical..... and I've come to the realization that this body of mine is going to start taking some work.  no more going with the flow, but instead I need to be proactive, thinking about what I put in my body, and getting committed to managing this disease without medication.

oh yeah, did I mention I'd like to go med free?  a big goal, but one that is obtainable with a lot of hard work.  can I do it?  let the games begin.