sometimes I just don't feel like it

my latest battle has been with exercise.  well, it's been going on for a while, if I'm going to be honest.  I used to be quite the gym rat and run 15+ miles a week.  then my feet started hurting, which was blamed on bunions, and then the dreaded diagnosis, and then all the meds, and then the fatigue, and then the crankiness and general displeasure with having joints that are purple and double their normal size... oh the excuses and blows to my ego and sense of well being are too many to list.  it goes without saying, I can throw myself quite the pity party.  I'd send invitations, but I'm too tired and cranky.

anyways, I've gained the weight and the bad attitude that everyone warns can come with an RA diagnosis.  there are days where I'm motivated to beat the 'tude and days when I just stare at my gym clothes from my comfy perch on the couch.  I have an internal dialogue about 'to work out or not to work out' about a thousand times a day.  it's anybody's guess who will win the argument.

it's easy to say "I have RA, I can't work out," but it's harder to admit that "I have RA and it pisses me off and I'm going to use it as an excuse to be lazy."  but that's the honest truth sometimes and here I am, owning it.

I need a new outlook, a new mantra, a new motivation.  health.  it's my health, not my jean size, that matters.  I may be hurting, but I'm also given hours and sometimes entire days where I'm feeling pretty normal.  I need to seize those pain-free opportunities and choose happiness and health over pity and potato chips.

but sometimes I just don't feel like it.  working on it, though.