exhaustion

one of the most crippling things about rheumatoid arthritis is actually not the pain and stiffness; it's the extreme fatigue.  it hits me throughout the day, but most consistently in the evening.  I have napped more since diagnosis than in my entire life prior to.  I can't sit down on the couch at the end of the day without nodding off, sometimes for more than an hour.  now I like a nap as much as the next guy, but it's starting to get annoying.  my muscles ache to lie down, my eye lids are constantly heavy, and I feel utterly useless.  and the nap does not clear these symptoms, but makes them worse.  I wake up feeling groggy and even more useless.  I'm exhausted.  this is a side effect of the medication, namely the Methotrexate, but it is also simply a symptom of rheumatoid arthritis.  it comes with the territory and it's going to be lifelong, just like my disease.

the more I think about this exhaustion, the more my mind is brought away from my arthritis and to other areas of my life.  the truth is, there are far more exhausting things weighing on my mind from day to day.  this fallen world provides many opportunities for pain, grief, sadness, hardships, brokenness... it's just plain exhausting.

back to the arthritis for a second.  yes, my body is physically exhausted, but the mental and emotional exhaustion trumps that.  the what-ifs, the frustration with the changes in my abilities and appearance, the different treatments and medication trials, the grief of things lost.  I'm exhausted.

but there's more, of course.  my family is hurting so deeply, my friends struggle with various trials, dreams go unrealized, plans and promises are broken, and I'm haunted by sin that seems more pervasive by the day.  I'm exhausted.  we're all exhausted.

but there is rest for the weary.  there are promises to cling to!

Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. 

Isaiah 40:30-31

For I will satisfy the weary soul, and every languishing soul I will replenish.

Jeremiah 31:25

O God, you are my God; earnestly I see you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.  So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory.  Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.  So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands.

Psalm 63:1-4

in times of weariness, I will turn my eyes to the Lord and receive His promised strength, replenishment, and love.