new york

one of my favorite things about my husband is his love of travel.  two years ago, right after we got married, he proposed a trip to New York City with our friend, Micah, to see the US Open.  of course I said yes and I was hooked from my first glimpse of Grand Central Station.  two years later we made a repeat visit and we're still trying to recover from our "New York hangover."  a wonderful, fast-paced, whirlwind time was had by all!

this trip was extremely emotional for me.  I was not suffering from rheumatoid arthritis on our last visit, and the miles and miles of walking didn't phase me in the least.  this time was different.  by the second day, my knees, ankles, and feet had swollen up larger than I have ever experienced.  I struggled to get my shoes on and could make a sizable indent in my knee when I poked it (yuck).  also, cankles.  it was so shocking and disheartening to have this visible reminder of my failing body.  I felt betrayed, angry, and deeply saddened.  I wanted to enjoy the trip and New York City in all its glory, so I put on a happy face, popped Tylenol regularly, and slept with my feet elevated.  but in the moments by myself, I broke down.  tears while waiting in the subway, in the shower, drinking coffee alone in the mornings.  negative thoughts plaguing me and only being reinforced by my jumbo joints.

is this my future?  am I forever to be limited and broken down by this blasted disease?  am I always going to be the weak link in the posse, asking to sit down for a minute and bee-lining it for the elevator instead of walking up the stairs?  

a pity party is very tempting, but not the healthiest option, I know.  this body-breaking trip convinced me that I need to find an RA support group.  I would love to get together with some RA comrades and talk about the ups, the downs, the meds, the tears.  but alas, small town Billings, Montana has no such thing.  can I get a "what the heck?"  still fuming a bit after finding this out.  just because you're teeny tiny doesn't mean you can get away with denying resources to your citizens.  come on, Billings!  maybe when I cool down a bit I can focus my energy on starting one myself.  until then, I'm just going to be angry.

that's all for now.  next post will be much more positive, I promise.